Feeling lost

I consider myself a Christiaan because of that fact that I think God is real and nothing more. My faith is based almost entirely off of just scientific evidence proving the historical accuracy of the bible, and for a while I thought that was good enough. I’m now starting to realize that my whole view on Christianity is just so robotic.

The more I think about the more selfish it makes me feel. There is pretty much no emotional connection, I’m essentially just choosing this belief because doing so means I get to have a nice afterlife. it feels like I don’t even deserve to hold the title of “Christian”.

The worst part about all this is that I have had a few instances where it really felt like God was trying to actually talk to me. One time I was reading this article about why it can feel like God has abandoned you and listening to Spotify at the same time and this one song came on that started basically reading my mind and literally telling me my exact emotions, in real time, out loud. (The song is called “Would you even know” by Michael Wyckoff)

When the song was over and I finished reading the article I started freaking out and thinking stuff like, “NO F**KING WAY, GOD JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE”

After that, I took a shower, and went to bed feeling great. At about the same time the next day I started thinking about stupid that whole “message” thing was. I started thinking that it was probably just a weird coincidence because of the fact I had literally no Idea what it was supposed to mean.

There have been many points in the past few months where it just feels like I’m praying to and worshiping some big man in the sky that demands attention in exchange for access to heaven, but deep down I know that’s not true. Jesus didn’t die on the cross just to give us all a nice vacation plan.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want advice on how to actually emotionally care about being a Christian instead at looking at everything as ones and zeros.

I want to know how to truly be a follower of Christ.